THE LRT SOLUTION

Frigging boring. Thus, the death threatening thoughts that i had in the afternoon will be spew out. Now.

Ever take a LRT before? The LRT that runs right underneath KLCC? Yeps. That LRT.

Ever notice how everyone rush in whenever the door open, even before you get your small little innocent feat out of the train?

Now, wait a freaking minute here. Let's talk chemical engineering. No, let's talk in an even simpler way, let's talk common sense. The layman term, I'll explain this thought provoking truth to all the stupid idiotic public who seems to be populating the space that I want to go.

Imagine yourself a useless dot of water. Imagine yourselve being poured into a pail. Imagine pail as the everyday LRT that you take. Imagine the pail being filled to the brim with every other water(people, if u still can't get it) out there. Now don't imagine. Work this out in your brain. Try pouring more water into that water filled pail.

Now anyone who says that he/she can literally pour more water into a pail filled to the brim with water, please, go to your nearest kitchen, take that small little fruit knife and stab yourselve. Repeatedly. Cause it'll take more than one stab to stuff the life out of an idiot like you.

So, what? How do you put those water into the pail then? Easy. Pour out the water inside the pail. Then you can add in more water.

What's the moral of the story then? Every idiot under the sun should know by now. If you still can't get the moral of the story please proceed with action according to the words highlighted in BLOOD RED.

Now ever wonder why are there yellow box just nicely outside the train's entrance/exit whenever the train stops? Or the posters right directly above your head, telling which is the right and wrong way? Then why does every idiot in KLCC station stills crowd around the exit whenever the train stops? God, you are all pieces of shit in my life.


Now back to the story here. I'm not here to whine around. I'm better than those shits who only knows how to complain. I'll suggest a solution. THE SOLUTION.


The yellow box. It is meant to be there. To tell the well mannered citizen of Malaysia to NOT to stand on it so that to facilitate the proper exit of departing passengers from the train.

My verdit: Good idea. In fact, the best idea ever to be implemented in the train system. They saw a problem and they solve it. Voila! People understand the intention(don't pretend now!), only that they never have the intention to follow it.

My solution:
The problem is always something to do with the yellow box. Therefore, i shall suggest the extensive modification of the yellow box.

Let's make it weight sensitive. Install a weight sensor on it. Anyone over 30kg shall trigger the sensor. Anyone under 30kg will most likely be a primary school kid and will be run over by the maddening exit crowd.

Let's install a sound system. Any type that is high quality in nature.

Weight sensor + Sound system = gAh beng dance machine that we find in the arcade in shopping malls?!?

NO!! It will work this way. Now jolt your brain a little. We're going onto an imagination ride now. Imagine. One middle age working man, nonchalantly step onto the yellow box, in order to choke up the exit and to be the first into the train to get the seat and deprive the poor elderly peoples of their seats. His weight triggers the weight sensor and which connect the circuit and activates the hidden sound system which will blare;

*Warning, vulgar words coming in the next few lines. Please plug your ears if you are easily offended by vulgarities and continue reading the next few lines.*










Cilaka, Pukimak Mak engkau macam Lembu Gemuk!
Ma chau Hai, Lei Lou Tau Lou Mou Ham Kar Chan!
Die you little piece of useless Bastard! I curse you a Fuckless Life!!

In order to potray the multiracialness of Malaysia, I'll add in Tamil curse word if anyone can provide me with one. But for now;
*Tamil cursed word*







This normally will elicit a response in which every normal person will jump up and away from the box and thus, emptying it for the departing passengers. For the more extreme case, where people continue standing on it in spite of the warnings(I foresee gAh Bengs to be the worst offenders as these words are part of their daily spoken language), a high voltage line should be installed underneath the yellow box.

An over triggering of the weight sensor for a duration of over 15 seconds will unleash the high voltage line which will totally fry the person black. The person will be left there as a grisly reminder of not adhering to the LRT regulations.

And what happens to the departing passenger?! How will they be able to depart the train without triggering the death sensor?!? Easy, just jump. It'll do everyone a world of good. And LRT can now proudly proclaim themselves as the leading forerunners promoting a world of healthy living.

Much more

There's so much that was discussed today. So many thoughts in so many matters.

One of em is how some pretentious goody shoe people go around taking advantage of other people. Squeezing em dry. Telling others how much they need these people at the same time dangling pieces of shit right in front of those needed people.

Two is the awe of how some of us can be so untiringly patient with these shit dangles. If you give me my way, they'll get a one way ticket down that drain that everyone still call Sungai Penchala.

Three is the addition and substraction in life. The probables. The pillars.

Fourth the trials and tribulation of a sudden new found happiness.

World of Ngiamville (Part 3)

In the last episode:

The World of Ngiamville Part 2

And the laster episode:

The World of Ngiamville Part 1

Now, we've talked about the spices, about the lemon grass, the flies in your everyday tom yam soup. What's missing then, you might ask. Give a guess or two then...














Really? Still can think it out? Allright, another minute then.














Oh heavens, it should have crossed your mind by now...Hell, it's so obvious that you should have exlaim by now...."Where the heck is that big old daddy of the prawn that is suppose to rule that bloody bowl of tom yam?!?!?"

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the main purpose of this final part of this trilogy of World of Ngiamville, is not to talk about prawns but about essentially the main lifeline of Ngiamville. The ones that have been the heart and liver of Ngiamville.

Today we would like to talk about the main profession of Ngiamville. The one and only occupation in Ngiamville which all its children strives for.

SmeanGay.

Yeps. Not any ordinary streaker that you might find running around loose happily at your local Petronas station. A special one. Heck, even the word special is an understatement.

SmeanGay in Ngiamville is a breed of specially trained human in the art of specialised extermination. Yes! They are accomplished in the art of subtle killing or explosive Hollywood matrix like assassination.

Unusually specially talented children are selected at the tender age of 13 to be trained to be a SmeanGay by the age of 20. To select the best possible candidate, a totally ardous selection process is implemented where children at the age of 13 are required to lick the tip of their elbow. Those who show extraordinary ability of licking their elbow 142 times in a row are then accepted to be the SmeanGay apprentice.

The SmeanGay are then thought in the highly mysterious art of killing by being trained in the unordinary skills of fishing. Now, a lot of question have been raised on the relationship between fishing and killing. But it does have a link. A link that is so obvious that everyone noticed it but never ever realised the lethality of it. After all, like what the elders of Ngiamville always likes to say"Always it is the obviousness that kills" (like the bus that you see obviously speeding towards you before you get crushed 5 times over)

Now the link. Attached here is the one and only picture ever taken of the reclusive SmeanGay.

SmeanGay with the sacred blue fish



Obvious now? You should be able to connect all the dots by now. And if you fail to link it, you shall be enlightened by the subsequent explaination.

The fish. Is the sacred weapon of the feared SmeanGay. Yeps, fish is the most feared and only weapon used by SmeanGay for its dirty assassination work. Usually a SmeanGay will approach its target from the side of bushes/trees/drains/cars/any cover that you can think of/ and after identifying its target, it'll jump onto the target with the sacred fish and whack him senseless/to death/dead/according to whichever assasination plan which was ordered.

Assasination plan of SmeanGay consists of 3 different types. 01yee is where the victim is only whacked senseless with the fish and presented to the subscriber for the ultimate honor. 01sam is where the victim is whack senseless and dispose off personally by SmeanGay. 01lok is where the victim is plummel repeatedly with multiple fishes in a machinegun manner to death.
Note that in all plan, sacred fish used in the operation will be presented to the plan subscriber as gift as part of SmeanGay's new policy to bring more added value to the plan.


While the assassination plan is simple, the fishes are not. SmeanGay have a holy ritual in which they have to perform different set of ceremony if they were to catch fishes of different color. It is obvious by now that a fish of blue color is the primary assassination weapon. A red fish entitles a SmeanGay to a 24.5 mile long cross Ngiamville country duck walk. Catching a green fish means that they just have to beat themselves senseless with the said fish. A pink fish means an easier task of eating up a calculator. The yellow fish is most feared as it requires them to serenade a local village girl in a girlish voice with a much modified song with a title of "Gay Is All Around".

Gay Is All Around is a much modified version of the song Love Is All Around. Author will try it's best to obtain the lyrics from the SmeanGays.

Much speculations have been made on the use of the mortar board that is word by the SmeanGay. But the authorities of Ngiamville can confirm that SmeanGay is a group of highly hygienic people which does not crap just about anywhere while operating in the jungle regions asinfection of germs might affect the fish plummelling performace of a SmeanGay. The mortar board functions as a auxiliary toilet bowl to prevent germs from jumping into the butt from the forest floor during crapping session.

As you might have observed by now, being a SmeanGay is never a gay business. It is indeed a tough and uncompromising SmeanGay world out there. But the harsh profession is never a drawback for aspiring 13 year olds of Ngiamville. Everyday, thousand of 13 year olds still like their elbows to enlist themselve into the elite rank of SmeanGay.

This is the final part of the trilogy of the World of Ngiamville. Any complaints regarding important historical items of Ngiamville should be channel to the Ngiamville Bureau of Complaints (NBC). All complaints of unhappiness/inaccuracy/of being left out will be given 5 second of consideration before being deleted. Thank you.

...

It's lonely.
It shuns the daylight and scampers in the night.
For fear of eyes.
And comfort of quiet.
It questions the meaning.
What does it all mean to be him?

With it's bended back.
A wiltering eyesight.
With it's KFC plastic bag, it looks around.
For a meaning.
So surreal it is.
That sometimes.
All it wished was that it is borned an unfeel.

The World of Ngiamville (Part 2)

During the last episode:

The World of Ngiamville Part 1

There's nothing more interesting bout a country other than the citizens that roams about in it.

If Ngiamville is a bow of Tom Yam, the citizens will be like the spices that gives the taste. Here, we'll talk about the lemongrass, the prawns, the squids that makes Ngiamville, and occasionally the little fly that became a nuisance while you're sampling on your favourite bow of Tom Yam.

We'll start with on of the important living heart beat of Ngiamville.

The legend that have been passed down for generations.

The legend. The one person. The reason why Ngiamville is prosperous. It was this one person that enable Ngiamville to have a huge enough human resource to develop its vast resources.

It was said that during the ancient days before the discovery of piglings uses as a wall for the fort, when the Acissej(another story) leisurely encroached into the domain of ancient Ngiamville to snatch newly born babies off the grasp of their mother for “reconstruction education”, a male baby of great stature was born to a mother giving birth and at the same time, fending off attacks from a hoard of rampaging Acissej. It was during the escape where the baby was accidentally "kissed" by the Acissej ultimate breath of dead Sunflower. This unpure kiss thus awaken the keenness of sight and the surefire quickness of its hand and most importantly, the ancient long lost memories of gynecology deep within the baby.

Thus, it was named Salogel.

Salogel

Salogel grew quick, quicker then the rest of its peers. Even faster its’ golden yellow hair grow. With the ancient knowledge of gynecology, it was able to deliver the baby safely. With its keen sight and swift movement, it always manage to capture the marauding Acissej with great ease. And with its unlimited amount of golden yellow hair, it always manage to tie and secure the Acissej.

The Acissej was always spare a certain death as it was a valuable export commodity at that time. It was exported to USA and sent on a rampage as a form of biological warfare onto Canada during the USA-Canada war where it was attributed as the main cause Canada having a population of below 100 right at this moment.

By Salogel teenage years, it has managed to secure the birth of thousand of babies and also the capture of thousand of Acissej. Indirectly it contributed to Ngiamville in the form of a rising population free of child death and huge amount of income(undivergeable) from the sale of Acissej. This created the now much vaunted prosperous country of Ngiamville.

Nowadays, this great legend still contributes to the economy of Ngiamville in the form of tourism industry. A race of people called the Kimownisthereallegolas, are a great impersonator of the legend. If you look closely, you'll notice many similarities between Salogel and Kimownisthereallegolas. The sharp eyes, the luscious mouth, the charming nose of a male pigeon, the half pointed ears of Kimownisthereallegolas share an uncanny resemblance with the Salogel. Only the golden hair is a fake.

One of the Kimownisthereallegolas

Kimownisthereallegolas are a race of very family oriented people who feed for their family by approaching tourist for a mug shot after which they charge a cheap token amount of USD 30. Tourists are encouraged to accept picture invitation as Kimownisthereallegolas have a huge family to feed for. Most of the time (actually all the time), snobbish tourist who reject the invitation are brought back to be fed to their family.

Now what exactly is Assisej?!?

Alien? Apple? Aeroplane? or an Anteater?

It is anything but these peaceful things. It was a creature born of the mountains, highly intelligent abeit twisted.

Thick greenish smoke billows off its nostril whenever it get aroused. Its eye, the shape of the abdomen of a cockroach. Its hairstyle, always of different design whenever spotted. It has this potent weapon which is the octopus hug. Visible with only two hands most of the time, six other hands will sprout out of its back once it manage to get a hug onto you. As these 8 handed hug provoke such a huge trauma that usually the receiptant drop dead through brain trauma, the race ofAssisej have been ban ever since the ancient times.

There was a time when it managed to infiltrate into Ngiamville, kidnapping any baby it could find with the intention of recontruction education in the numerous empty kindergardens set up in its' country(the name to vile to mention). Reconstruction education is a process where the babies are brainwashed into a group of overhappy person. They will become so happy that by their 20th birthday, most of them(actually, all of em) jumped off cliffs believing that they are somekind of a special bird which will soar into outer space.

However, Assisej have this weakness in which it is prone to standing still for 5 minutes(allowing you to run away after taking its picture) with its two fingers showing a sign of scissors(some scientist speculated that it was going to lick its nose dung that it dug using the very two finger as somekind of protection from the bright flashes) at its' eyebrow that whenever it encounters the bright flash of cameras. Therefore, wandering tourist with cameras are usually quite safe from the threat of Assisej.

In Ngiamville, the terror of ancient time still runs deeply within the heart of its population and the sign board showing the unwelcoming of Assisej can still be found throughout Ngiamville at a distance of every 2meters.


Signs depicting the much feared sight of the Assisej

The World of Ngiamville

It crossed my mind suddenly that I'm an emperor of a country and no one seems to knows what exactly dwells inside it.

So much questions.

Well well well, we can't go on without the very least, a brief description of Ngiamville, the domain of Emperor Ngiam.

How? What? Where? Why? What?

So much questions, and yes!! Finally, we'll be answering you in this short mini-docu of Ngiamville

Therefore, presenting....

"The fail proof guide to Ngiamville" (due to cost cutting measures, you're required to hum your own version of Nat Geo music theme)

Now.... where do we begin?!?


Well, to give a sugary taste of what you can expect in this wonderful realm.

I present to you.... the official mascot of Ngiamville. This holy creature is generally worshipped in most of the region of Ngiamville(The other region that worship the loudspeaker in gAh Beng kancil cars was wipe out in the great kancil purge by Emperor Ngiam.... but of course, another story, another time)

1. Juno the holy creature of Ngiamville (presently)


Juno hunting for crabs in the wild.

Anyway, back to the story again, due to the holy nature of this creature, it had been a custom of the people of this country to show their respect by welding a specially imported crown onto the head of this creature. This crown thus elevate the position of this creature onto the highest level among all animals in this kingdom. It is also a method to identify stray endangered lookalikes intruding from the neighboring country as..... you can guess it!!! they don't wear the crown.

The stray creatures are usually capture following the standard set by National Geographic for the capture of endangered animals. The capture is usually followed by a feast for the emperor as the flesh of endangered animals are getting scarce, therefore more valuable.

As the numbers of this holy creature have been dwindling, a great feast have been planned by emperor ngiam for the slaughtering of the final last holy creature. Subsequently, a new holy mascot will be chosen among other animals (and yeah, we'll weld the crown in too).

But back to the habit of this creature, it is known to be noctural and tend to hunt singularly for the famous crabs of Ngiamhell. The method is well known, where it'll simply just walk around until it feel something been smash under its hoof. After that, with the half smash shell of the crab, it'll use its horn to plummel it into small little pieces which will be consume after the creature has done running a circle of 5 laps around the carcass.


2. Cheecrabai

Now, calling this famous crab famous is an understatement. It is well known as the infamous crab all around the world. The crab connoisseur call it the Cheecrabai (the letter "cra" must be ommited when it is being read).


Cheecrabai can crap with its mouth closed!

Why is it infamous? Was because of the special ritual done be the holy creature?(running 5 laps around its dead body) Or can it spells A-Z?

Ohhh..... it can do more than that. It can speak. More specifically, it can only speak in vulgar language. It breeds so fast (500 eggs per day) that its everywhere in this country and tourist are greatly encourage to take this little cute crustacean back to their home country.

"The Emperor Ngiam personally guarantee that this crab will increase the vocabulary of the children of your household by a factor of 100 within the period of 3 days, failing, the emperor will personally air courier to you the holy creature of Ngiamhell together with the crown weld on its' head FREE OF CHARGE!!"

As a matter of a fact, the ability of this crab was so well known that it was sent to loudspeaker of kancil car worshiping region where the unrelenting curses by the crab drive the gAh Beng out of the land. (the great purge)

Other than that, the cursing crab is a vital cog in the well being of the country. Nope, it has nothing to do with the economy, but it has something to do with the endless crap generated by the crab. If you haven't manage to guess it(IQ too low?), it is the main source of electricity generation in the Ngiamville. Huge amount of these cursing crab were trap and kept in a huge pot where the eternal cursing by the crabs generated so much sound wave that it spins the turbine which in turn generate electricity for Ngiamville. The ability of Ngiamville to generate such volume electricity without any visible sources was so baffling that the United States of America bombed one of the pots thinking that it was a nuclear plant generating uranium.( This matter, the Crab Attack, was resolved when USA agreed to purchase 342 million of crap talking crab as a mean of compensation)



It was well known that a large number of chattering crab drove out the gAh Beng in the Great Purge. But how was it possible that the citizens of the holy creature region stand such ruckus?

The answer lies in this:

3. Caterpilying

The caterpilying is one of the most essential creatures in the country of Emperor Ngiam. It is the creature that keep the population of the country sane throughout the sounds generated by the crappy crab. Usually this useful caterpilying is used in pairs. Using in single dose might not give the wanted effect.


Caterpilying in a much more wholesome form

Now you would wonder. How?

It's simple. You just pick a pair of it(not one... remember!). Pull out the two antennas. After that, simply push the whole caterpilying into your ear. As simple as that.

The highly sensitive fur of this caterpilying will absorb most of the sound which will in the end causes the noise to be heard as a mere whisper. This in turn means that the citizens of Ngiamhell have to shout to each other's ear to be heard properly. But the added value of this is that everyone learns how to shout louder. In the case of an outright extinction of the Cheecrabai, the citizens of Ngiamhell will be drafted into the pot to generate electricity.

By the way, there is still no known method of removing the effect once you used it. However, the world reknown scientist of Ngiamhell is already working on it. In the meantime, you can enjoy the benefits mentioned above.

What does this caterpilying eats? simple. As the picture has suggested, it consumes leaves. But what eat this caterpilying is a question that will reveal much of the ecosystem of Ngiamhell. Like every ecosystem around the world. There's always the top predator. The top of the pyramid creatures. The creature that rule the rest of em. Sadly speaking, due to ecosystem restructuring, this special creature have been kicked down a rung or two in the pyramid food chain.


4. Joshgle

Joshgle, once the animal that rule the rest of them. Top predator... once. It was affected by the chattering of the crappy crabs that instead of hunting for rhinos, wild boars, and any other huge fleshy mamalia that is yet to be mentioned, it spend it's days feeding on caterpilying. Being an intelligent creature, it knew that by observing humans, caterpilying is the only one tool that can prevent crapping madness. However, due to it's limited intelligence, it was unable to find it's own earhole to stuff in the caterpilying.


Joshgle in its much more happier times

It is already an highly endangered creature in the country, with a population of around 39 and environmentalist have already prepared to implement programme to save the creature. Emperor Ngiam, being the kind natured ruler he is, has decreed that instead of using the programme, extermination of the creature will be carried out so that the issue of it being endangered will never come into play anymore as it will not be any of it left to be declared endangered.

It is already an highly endangered creature in the country, with a population of around 39 and environmentalist have already prepared to implement programme to save the creature. Emperor Ngiam, being the kind natured ruler he is, has decreed that extermination of the creature will be carried out in order to end the issue of it being endangered once and for all.



5. Cranenanewoon


Another creature worthy of mention in the country is a special avianary friend of us. The Cranenanewoon (there's no proper way of pronouncing it other that yelling it out aloud in a gay manner)


Cranenanewoon hunting for river slugs


An interesting characteristic of this creature is that it is able to emit a very sweet smelling fart whenever it get aroused by the sight of a passing wild boar. No particular reason can be found for this behaviour, but a recent speculation suggested that it get a sexual pleasure out of the sight of the wild boar's tusk.

Anyway, the fart was known to be able to rocket the crane to an amazing speed in mere seconds. The fart is valuable that as recent as a year ago, a French company devised an ingenious way to harvest the expulsion. The fart have since became a best selling perfume in the European market. More plans have been thought out to further exploit this valuable fart. Just as recent as a month ago, a famous soft drink manufacturer have signed a deal in which the special fart will be used as a substitute for carbon dioxide(used to create bubbles in the drink).

Any visitors wishing to capture might as well thread with a word of caution as the bird was known to have a morbid facination with the steering wheels of any vehicles. It is a common knowledge that 95% of the accidents that occurred in the country is due to vehicle hijacking by these unlicensed birdy driver.


6. Piglings


Now, if you see any pig like creature running around welcoming you to the country and inquiring for your destination, do not be alarm. Piglings are a breed of domesticated pigs trained in the fine art of taxiing.


Pigling is a great beast of burden

As non-citizens are not allowed to drive motorized vehicles in the country, this pigling have been specially trained for the task of carrying visitors around the interesting place of the country. Worry not, as these piglings have been known to be sturdy creature. Make yourselve comfortable when you board the pigling. In the event of emergency(like accident or the pigling running amok), do not be afraid, just insert two of your fingers into its snout for 3 minutes and it'll then pass out. You may alight after that.

In a not so peaceful time, the piglings was stacked up in huge numbers(in an orderly manner of course) to build fort to repel armed and dangerous intruders from neighboring countries.

These creatures have been trained for century and they are indeed well aware of any nook that you might want to





Well, that mark the end of The World of Ngiamville Part 1. Do not fret over the second part as it will be publish in a very near future. In the meantime, have a very nice chomp of caterpilying and spray yourselve with Cranenanewoon's fart.

Routine, oh routine!

Slow lazy day, typical of a human slowly morphing into a seaslug, and strangely I typed out something that I myself don't seems to understand.

It means something only when we decided that it should have a meaning. Otherwise, it's just a meaningless nothing.