Survey

In response (quite a prompt one you would agree) to Hui Woon's sudden lovey dovey email, I have promptly set up a survey to discover the current opinion of others on Hui Woon.

Please be objective and honest in answering the survey. No point lying ok? We need everyone's honest answer here. You may click as many times as possible if you think you are the most correct.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The mother of all inventions!!!

Tonight, we're going to talk about ridding a national pest, reducing national unemployment numbers and conquering the world's largest economy. All in one.

In other words, killing more than two birds with one stone. This might be one of the world's greatest invention yet. Ever heard of the world's much touted revolutionary invention, Segway? This will sure to eclipse it. Even your neighborhood market going aunty will talk about it on their walks to the wet market. It is this HUGE!!!!


Now, this invention unlike most of the so - called mega project that we have around here, will not require much of an investment. And even better, after much calculation, it's payback time will be less than 6 month. Now, this surely is the next best thing to your evil boss being slowly run over by a rampaging bulldozer. yeah?

So to the project then. Require equipment?

A hole big enough to fit 5 kancils.
Automated adjustable concretes camouflage to look like a road surface.
2 Catapultable steel block.
Bullet proof booth installed with hand sensor.
Small-size automated manufacturing plant.

Employs? 1 person.

Further clarification will be needed on this national pest. What is it then? Ever being nearby/on a road at night:

1. And suddenly the car starts to rev its engine even though the countdown clocked installed above reads 67? And you have to lift your two hands from your motorbike handle to cover your nose to prevent the toxic smoke from poisoning your brain, further increasing your idioticity, causing your kapchai bike to topple over into a nearby sewer with your poor Valentine date?

2. Minding your own business when suddenly a car overtake you and blind you with 50 multi colored Philips 35 watt lamp? And you have to lift your hands (again) to cover your eye to prevent it from being blinded, and your car to swerve to the nearby plantation, killing a few local lembus innocently munching some grass in the middle of the night, causing the whole kampung to tie you naked to a nearby termite nest?

3. Just lighted the fuse of your mother of a firecracker when a car suddenly increase it's bass volume 5000X more, rendering you stoned at the spot for a moment and waking up the next morning with 3 less finger and a leg stump?

Yeah, I can hear a chorus of aye now. And do I have a solution? Hell, it solves everything, all the way to that niggling pus at the end of your buttock.

To understand the concept, have a look at the simple 2D diagram at the bottom.

Continuing the description of this mindblowing invention:

1. Dig a hole and install the automated asjustable camouflage concrete on top of it. Make sure that it is wired to the hand sensor inside the bulletproof booth.
2. Pay some aunty from the local neighborhood RM40/hour to insert her hands in the booth. Trust me, you'll earn even more than that.


Methodology of equipment:

1. An sophisticated cultured driver with his mindblowing loud, glaring, smoke induced invisibility will pass by.
2. The aunty with her hands inside the sensor will lift her hands to cover her eyes/ear/nose.
3. Sensor will detect sudden lost of a hand. Will trigger the adjustable camouflage concrete.
4. Car will ended up inside the hole.
5. Steel block will be triggered (the line is wired in a series sequence, to satisfy the curiosity of any engineers around here) and thus, catapulted to the end.
6. The second steel block will then push the wreckage into the automated small size manufacturing plant.
7. Automated small size manufacturing plant will process the metal car into blocks of fork and spoon.

Now, why fork and spoon? With the onslaught of modernisation and westernization in China, there will be a huge demand for fork and spoon to cater to Chinese fine dining wannabes. This is where the potential of this invention will be fully realised. The fork and spoon is dirt cheap. There is no material cost involved. All you need to do is to export all of em into China and sell 'em at a price so cheap that all the local fork and spoon goes bankrupt. After that, you will then conquer as China can't live without your fork and spoon.

There you go. Something for you guys to think about. If you have a few millions to spare and no where else to spend it. This could be the invention for you. Social Responsibility (reducing smoke, noise and light pollution all at one go), cost effective (no material production cost at all), all conquering(China market!!). What else can you ask for?!?

Cast. Deep. Wide.

Doubts. And Questions.
Whether you're able to meet what was initially set?

Resistance.
How willing are you to sacrifice what essentially is you?

Tired.
When was it ever not so?

Random ramblings

It's barely 5 months. And I'm already wondering when will all this going to end.

I'm tired.

When you smell the post firecraker fumes, it vividly reminds you of Chinese New Year. Nowadays, I'm searching for what that fills my lungs would mean freedom.

Weary.

And to think that 12 years ago I wished to be an adult. Now, I wish that I'm 12 years younger.

This word giving. To some, it is never your say. Some perfected maskirovka. Heartfelt is just another word in a dictionary. To most, matters no more, just as long as it comes along.

Jaded.

No worries Ngiam. You're nearing the light that's at the end of the tunnel. It's only just another 22 more years to go.

It's never going to end. Ever.

2006 Dog Zodiac

Ladies and gentleman,

Nowadays, it seems as if everyone is able to perform some sort of zodiac interpretation. Therefore, being a very friendly and thoughtful I am, I've decided to join the zodiac craze and spread some helpful tips for everyone by sitting outside my house one starry night and study the stars.


Rooster

The year for rooster:

It'll do you a world of good to pay more attention to your well being as it is link tightly to your survivor this year. It is highly likely you and your whole family will get massacred and thrown into a mass grave if you don't take care of your health. Therefore, mix less with other individual of your family that might have just migrated from a faraway place.

Essential item:

A filtering mask. Wear it 24 hours a day to prevent infection of bird flu.

Auspicious habit:

Whenever you see a black crow, flap your hands and start to sing and dance the tune of Yatta! to encourage more wealth in your life.

Most compatible mate:

Your greatest enemy will become your best mate. By mating with a snake, your children will have the great characteristic of being able to live on land, water, trees, dark attics, etc. This will enable you all to escape the great bird flu purge.


Tiger

The year for the tiger:

My dear friend. It seems that your luck might not be able to hold out for the coming few years. I predict that there'll be great destruction around your housing areas. It'll mostly involve trees and fire. Other than that, take very good care of your genitals as people might just come to your housing area to skin you and grab your balls!!

Essential Item:

Car license. You will need more than your leg to escape these coming holocaust.

Auspicious habit:

Every morning, when you're brushing your teeth, use your biggest kitchen knife to sharpen your teeth. You might need it sooner than you thought.

Most compatible mate:

It's a battle of survivor for you from now on. It will be wise to breed with a dragon. This will give your future generation an ability to spew fire in self defence. Highly useful when you meet your adversary who will be holding a weapon far more superior than your bare hands.



Ox

The year for the Ox:

Due to some unstable stars on a galaxy that is 1.2412 billion light years away from the Milky Way that is influencing the events around the other animals in this zodiac, your luck for this year, will be bad. Yeps. No joke. This year, rooster will suffer a great purge. Therefore, you will become the centre of everyone's attention.... as their one of the two main viable safe food source.

Essential Item:

Diet pills. Consume to prevent yourself from being an attention grabber for this year. Your luck for this year is not good.

Auspicious habit:

Make sure that you wake up at 5 am every morning to shout. Make sure you sound as if you're a rooster. Flap your wings more often. Try to groom your facial/body hair into lookalike feathers. You might just be able to safe yourself.

Compatible mate:

Rat. Your only best alternative. Your mating effort will result in a much more smaller Ox which will enable you to run and hide in small drain holes. Your horns will protect you from cats.


Rabbit


The year for rabbit:

You will be held captive this year in a shopping complex. You'll be stripped of your dignity and will be paraded around to be groped by various people. You will also find that there'll be a lot of people staring at you and mouthing the word "cute" repeatedly from outside your cage. Try perfoming some stunts to applease to tormentor to buy freedom. Hint: They love the sadistic killing between two rabbits.

Essential Item:

Hammer. It'll buy you your freedom in a every entertaining sadistic manner.

Auspicious habit:

Practice jumping high and swinging your hands in a downward smashing like manner. It'll help you greatly.

Compatible mate:

Spreading some love to a goat will give you a much more bigger size and a horn to boot. Essentially useful to prevent groping and will no need to sadistic smash your way to freedom anymore.

Pig

The year for pig:

Planet Mars is still as red as it is the previous 23,938,453 years before. Therefore, your life will be a dead constant. Like every other year before this, your luck for this year is bleak. You'll encounter no change from the routine that you have been going through the past few years. (eat, sleep, shit, eat, sleep, shit) The only exciting thing that you ever will encounter will be when you're got herded to a special enclosure where you'll see a sudden flash of something shiny and 3 hours later, notice that your dismembered legs and tail is in various part of a moving lorry.

Essential Items:

None. Nothing can help you at your present condition.

Auspicious habit:

Nothing much to be done. Try learning tango and enjoy yourselve while it last.

Compatible mate:

You're an utter wreck. Copulating with a horse will give you the longer legs. This time might help you to escape your routine life by jumping over the cage. Think about it.

Dog

The year for the dog:

This year, you'll be in the same boat as the rabbit. You will see people making faces or whistling from outside your cubicle trying to make fun of you. Do not ignore them. Pretend to be their friends. Take them out for walks. Don't worry about peeing/shitting on their car, it's cute. Just do it. Once you've gain their trust enough, you can literally tie a leash around them and whip them with their car's steering lock.

Essential Items:

Steering lock. Steal one. It'll be useful come the end of the year.

Auspicious habit:

Year of the dog after all, spread some of your wealth around. Pee and shit on your friends. They'll love it!!

Compatible mate:

You lack proper hand and leg coordination. You tend to like standing on your hands and legs. Obtain some versatility by mating with a monkey. You can be one hell of a fascinating doggy, swinging from trees to trees.