The Journey

All it takes, is only one hour of sleep to produce a Ngiam who will hold a blue blanket and sleepwalk at the same time to the living room. Sit beside it's shellshock mom. Mumble something incoherant about somekind of computer game for five seconds. Return to bed and continue sleep.

Do wonder the times when I do sleepwalk without really knowing about it. Wonder what did I do at that time? I pretty sure that I must have done something cool like squashing some innocent hamster or set some homes on fire during my last sleepwalking stint.

Compassion or Responsibility?

The Lull Before The Storm

I've been quiet lately. And I guess for those who knows me quiet well, it's like a lull before the coming storm.

So here. The Storm. Lap it up then.

Something that I've promised someone for a very long time.
























In case any of you is still scratching your head over the purpose of a picture of someone stepping onto a red ninja's head, pls move your MOUSE cursor over picture to get a much clearer picture. clicking the mouse at the picture will give the CLEAREST picture.







Yeps. True to my promise. I've embark on an effort to do a free promo for our friend who had promised a charity show a while ago. To give an even bigger value to the promotion, I've decided to design the promo poster in the form of a DVD cover. This is just like killing two birds with one stone. In one way, it's a great publicity tool, another, a already prepared DVD cover for commercialization purpose by our very own VCD pirateers

Bicycle Rulez

You know about those showboating mat motors that's filling up our streets?

Recently, I've discovered the younger version of mat motor... Guess wat?


There exist a previously undiscovered younger version called the basikal gang. Yeps. Younger with no money to boot. The ever reliable good ol' bicycle is the only way for 'em to impress chicks to loiter around with at the local supermarket for dates at the Rm1 kiddy ride.

Among the impressive maneuver, is ;

1. the ever impressive, riding bicycle around in the middle of the night without lights. It shows the ever dwindling value that people term as bravery. Guarantee to impress even the lorry driver that manage to spot 'em moments before running them down with the lorry/trailer.

2. Continuing from above. If no lorry driver manage to run em down, swerving from one lane to the other lane in a very impressive manner which will remind you of professional MotorGP riders. Value shown: Ability to observe and execute moves in the almost exact manner as the professionals.Very useful in the the local manufacturing factory where repetitiveness is a much valued trait.

3. Ability to handle bike in a straight line without the usage of hands. After a while they are expected to be able to swerve around without the usage of hands. Amazing skills. Total mastery of the cycling skill. Again this demonstrate another ability that much companies are looking for in the employees nowadays. With their hands free, this means that they will have the ability to multitask. They can carry a huge amount of groceries that their mum ask for while cycling, brush teeth while cycling, comb their hair while cycling(to impress girls), play badminton while cycling, snatch handbag while cycling, etc.

4. Ability to flap their hands in a birdly manner. It is totally so cool as cycling has turn into an art form. An avenue for artsy farties to express the deep artistic sides of themselves. Moral value: it shows that they are deeply cultured for their age. Entertaintment on bikes. Bound to impress even more chicks. Again, lorry drivers will be mighty impress of the sight moments before feeling something bumpy underneath their lorries.

Damn it. I just can't understand these issues of unemployment. With such multitalented people in Malaysia, those multinational companies should be fighting their ass off to get these fellas to work for 'em.

Scums and scrounge

What I find so scumful about some peoples are their ability to accept responsibility in a very spectacular fashion only to later, pass the buck to... me.

As an example:

AA :Hey, need your help on fixing the microwave. Mind helping me out?

Ngiam: I can't. I'm terribly tired. Don't think I'm up to it at the end of the day.

Scum: Hey, no problem. I can help you with it! After all, we're friends. yadda yadda (and everything else on how friends should be in times of need)

At the end of the day,

Scum: Eh, sorry mate. Can't help you. Me myself is overloaded with stuffs to do too. And I'll be tired after the completion of the said stuffs.

AA: Then I how?

*stares at Ngiam*

Ngiam: *mutters under breath* You piece of useless pile of shit.


Yeah, thanks to all the people out there who can't figure out their own abilities and like to play the part as if they are some kind of hero saving some damsel in distress, only to absolve themselves of all the responsibility when the time comes and pass all the shit to the one who realistically knows his limit.

Scums and scrounge. They are more than shit in my life. If I have some time, I'll buy 1636. When I strike it rich, I'll get a huge waste water treatment plant to treat these shit that've been plaguing my life.

The Possessed

I swear, it was as if a bulb just lighted up in my brain at the particular moment when I detected the fatal flaw. It's as if there's this inner part of me that I've never known of before. Suddenly I feel as if that someone else is controlling me. I tried to stop my fingers from moving, but... I even tried shouting for help, but I could only make a soft hoarse cry.

Every now and then, my left hand would swing in a uncontrollable clockwise manner, aiming for my nose. I put all my strength into controlling my left hand to prevent it from desecrating my nose hole and before I knew it, the typing stopped and I suddenly gain control of my whole bodily function. Whatever it type, it was even more eery as it very much sounds like... me.

Whatever the spirit have been trying to communicate to the world, I've pasted here. So that everyone can give me an insight on the very least, why would of all the person in the world, I was chosen to be the one to send this mind boggling message to the whole world.

The message that was left through me on someone's Friendster profile:

About Me:quirky cute ;).... I would like to think myself as an american bald vulture. I'm always flying on the sky on the lookout for rotting victims in which i'll swoop down and ravage em.
I have this deep ambition to be Malaysia's most popular pirated VCD seller. However due to certain constraints, I have not been able to fulfill my wishes. But to all my fans out there(if you really is out there, even only one of you, i hope you are gay cause i have a boyfriend already. nyek nyek) you should not be worried of not meeting me cause i've quit my work recently and bought a powerfully super duperly modified ah beng Van that is meant to outrace even the fastest custom's officers car. With this van, i can fulfill 2 of my ambition at once. In case you've never heard of such proverb, it is called killing two birdies with one stone. And yeah, back to the story, first of all, i can fulfill my wish to be the ultimate pirated VCD seller where I can travel in a short time to various destination in Johore. Secondly, I can act in my own self directed movie called, Initial Jess where my van will race across the length of Danga Bay being chased by a troupe of police car(that just can't chase up with my van). All the scenes will be film only ONCE and live at the filming location. I'm not allowed to tell you the scene after this but i can reliably divulge that there will be a scene where my van will ride the top of City Square roof ala "Batman Begins" and then to attempt a jump across Tebrau Straits into Singapore. Well, folks that is all on my upcoming trilogy of movies with the main theme of "I Love Ah Lian". Now if i could only obtain my driving license in time for my kickass van.

Who I Want to Meet:Personally, i've found forest monkeys interesting companions to communicate with. They have an interesting social life that involve blatant shouting and screaming, chest thumping, humping, and hair grooming. If you still can't get my drift, I will now directly point out that I find people who shout unintelligible words quite a turn on. Thumping your chest is a sign of masculinity. But of course when I say thumping, i really mean thumping that will generate great sound. Not the ah kua one's that sounds like the clash of your mothers frying pan. humping, enough said. Grooming is a very rousing action. In fact, I have my boyfriend grooming me two three times a week. It is surely an act that i will recommend for everyone to try with. (p.s., the hair that was taken off during grooming session is usually superglued onto my boyfriends backend. seeing is believing, pls help youselve)

Well, yeah. Most of you guessed right. It was me all along. With an unidentified accomplice to muddle the mud a bit.

The encounter

This morning started out like every other morning that I've always encountered. There's a sun shining. So I started out like how I would approach every other working day. I drove. Never would I expect that my life will never be the same anymore after today's morning. Below, is the chronicles of the events that changed my life. And the morning golden sun shall never be the same for me anymore.

I was driving my car in a non-threatening way, oblivious to all the murderous road rage that is happening all around me when at a road coming into the main road which I was driving happily on, a green waja suddenly appeared and took a turn out from the smaller road. With it's whole body blocking one lane of the road, the driver turned it's(gender unable to be acertain) head and spotted..... me (in my white kancil) and promptly...... applied emergency brake and stopped.

That was the moment when I entered into the state of ke-'WTF'-kan and time around me slow 100,000 times. I took my time stepping out of my speeding car and walked to the green waja's driver window. The driver still have this smug face when I open the waja's door and politely asked;

" There's a freaking speeding car coming towards you just as you're coming out of a turn. And you stopped your shitty car in the middle of the road and...... just look back? You're more than an idiot aren't you?"

As the time was passing in nanoseconds for the driver, it gave a barely audible sound in reply and I promptly gave the driver a headbutt and a few quick blow with my car lock onto its groin(to ensure destruction of reproductive organ, prevents further breeding of idiots)

I suavely stepped back into my car and swerved into the other lane to avoid it. The frontblinded gAh Beng speeding behind my car immediately ram into the green waja and exploded in flames, vaporising both idiots in an instant. Ahh, talking about killing two birds with one stone.

And I drove satisfyingly to work and live happily ever after.


The End.

Pangkor I Shall Return

It was a bright shiny day and we were confident of making Pangkor our conquest. Our invasion plan was easy. Take a kayak, peddle over there, stick a flag with Emperor Ngiam's face on it and declare it the conquest.

But alas, strong wave pushed us back. For those who are interested in our failed pursuit, I've managed to find this picture off Google Earth which presented the aerial view of Pangkor Island off the coast of Teluk Batik. The circle marks the Pangkor Island. The arrow shows where we started and ended. God damn far away from Teluk Batik.





For those who are interested to join me for my next expedition to Pangkor Island please send an email to the address below and I'll reply promptly.

ibelongtothementalasylum@gmail.com














Google Earth. You really believe it?!? That Pangkor really look like that?!?











If you answer a "yes" to any of the above question, please send your name and details to the email below. Great fame and reward awaits you.

ngiamslistofdumbpeopletobeignored@gmail.com


If your answer is a "no" to both question, I'm disappointed to announce that you didn't strike any jackpot in any kind. You are given permission though to guess how the picture came about with no winning prize for the first or second or subsequent winner.